‘What happened to Han Mi-ok?’

 

…So to talk of facial disorder (안면장애), I know it’s a matter that’d render many cosmetic-conscious women shudder with fear and have equally self-interest vested beings look away - especially in an era where the number of likes you get on social media equals instant success.

As a undiagnosed, long-term TMJ (temporomandibular disorder) patient - I am pretty much aware what the symptoms are like, how & where it can cause pain, and the habit modifications one can take over the course of time, to how it can worsen due to this and that physio-/psychological/external stimuli to what it can manifest into when things get worse. Strange how I sound like a medical professional when it is only my yearlong struggle with seemingly minor symptom that got me to where I am.

..As Han Mi-ok’s (a.k.a.: 선풍기 아줌마) case goes, for one who have lived in U.S. soil for comparable amount of time one could say that her condition was likely caused by poverty - besides the criminal intention of the anonymous being who suggested the silicon insertion treatment “because bigger face makes you look stronger”. And that was in Japanese soil, and her occupation was a local entertainer - singer - which could've attracted lot of male attention at the time, yet wouldn’t come with the solid insurance that most other established positions would guarantee. …

…

I’m not trying to put myself in better position than her by that, minimizing her status as a human being but rather an object to be pitied at. I personally have been there multiple times before - both psychologically & physically - so it’s not like I don’t understand the pain of what really divides people. …Otherwise I wouldn’t even have wasted my time watching Soft White Underbelly interviews of complete strangers I have never met before; of whose circumstances are plain bewildering to understand as a non-native.

…….

Ms. Han, as her account goes when she was still alive - started to become schizophrenic eventually at some point while she was self-injecting herself, ending up with unbearable amount of silicon under her facial skin - therefore being left with the ‘monster-doll’ look as you see up there. 

…..

For me Korea was not an easy place for me to live, esp. for someone who’s just another ‘assigned female at birth’. For one, beside the cult of Japanese subcultural anime flicks and how it got enmeshed with my Korean (and unfortunately female) psychology back then - I do remember hearing tidbits of news about how cosmetic surgery alone could drive Korean women nuts, and if gone wrong even cause deadly results - like suicide. And the thing is, I NEVER LOOKED PRETTY, and I HATED THAT.

…So as much as painfully revealing it might sound or not, I find myself during my adolescence driving myself, well, mad - that is before all those weighty mental health diagnosis near when I just reached my 20’s. I’d be looking myself down while taking shower and just ponder how big my boobs were (*I had the fastest growth rate in my class from elementary due to all those instant snacks I had). THEN I’d stare myself at the mirror, like the “princess” I ought to be - with dark skin & glasses on - trying to make the impossible possible, the unbelievable believable. AND THEN I’d get caught with both my stepdad & mom present while masturbating naked. ..Till this day I am genuinely grateful how my stepdad didn’t turn out to be one of those white predators I get to hear on crime channels - even though he has punched me in the nose once in a fit of rage.

…….

At least that was, well, laughable. One of those “deviations” you’d call one’d have during time of puberty & uncertainty, where with just one wrong button everything might explode in the abyss of complete chaos and eventually into the void of nothingness. I had it, felt it, done and through. …Only that I had to live a life of an sheltered ascetic - totally cut off from society in that corner of that single housing room; with a pretty deep addiction to computer usage, since I had nothing else to do after school. Whereas other girls my age were out there, socializing, making their move out to society, preparing for better schools - and eventually finding their partners who’d share their passion & soul altogether.

..Now that I quote such, I’m kinda skeptical Korea back then could have befitted enough romantic environment for “safe & sound relationships” to blossom.

……

I know what it’s like to be the, say - “cosmetic minority” - esp. in an environment where westernized forms of beauties are regarded as the norm *and I actually have to live near such people (!). By that I’m aware how I was the ‘bad guy’ before - almost lusting after that “hot idol” online, which I think was a scenario bound to happen anyways. Put a really socially disadvantaged girl (not in a way you’d think. You know, not like those charity kids?) with morally dubious upbringing with a bit of violent experiences in her neighborhood, and she’d have a nutty reaction to any kind of fictional, “3rd-grade” commercial creature that resembles anywhere near her savior - and all for “having nothing in her brain”!

…

But I’d say if it wasn’t for the power & force of Money + my initiative & effort to embody Buddhism, I don’t know where else I’d have been either - and by that I’m neither victimizing nor chastising myself.

……