Relational Intelligence.

 And here it goes, the 20-minute timer.....

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<Esther Perel from Masterclass.>

But not only as a (pretty much self-assigned/proclaimed) "Sotokomori", but as a minority in general - who's been virtually left not only FRIENDLESS IN RL but also stuck in her own devised habitual mechanisms - whether it be BEING STUCK ON YOUTUBE after being back home from work, or just finding any other geographic locations where I would be BOTHERED BY NO ONE... ..It's like for me I need one of those didactic resources that as far as my growing-up memory could tell, other peers who had vastly different disposition from mine of being bullied as of young would disdain to be bound nor taught by whatsoever. It's that unsavory ill gut-feeling out of discrimination within human nature (so as the wordings go) that would more than oftentimes not just end up in divisions among peer-age groups back then, but also end up exploding in a form of violence after all. Like an invisible monster that was sneaking up behind all along that the horror film Midsommar portrayed so well. ...

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<Left: A survivor from Brother's Home, S. Korea (형제복지원tv); Right: Footage from 'Real Voice' by Yamamoto Masako.> 

..Maybe it's that feeling I get from my current coworkers whenever I reflect on certain few of them and try to imagine what their life would be like outside of the workplace. ..While one of the privileges living in U.S. *outside the confines of NE Asia back then would literally be diversity & the openness of the inhabitants, it is also true that the more localized it gets things just can get as nasty as wherever the heck I was back then in my opinion. Maybe it's that 'pretty youngster' who looks exotic and acts exotic (and also has the equanimous as well as mysterious ability that easily catches people like me off guard); or maybe it's that dude with a not-so-handsome face but would still remind you of your local high school theater club, therefore endowing you with a bit of room for relief from the pressure of your higher-ups who's obviously in a way different standing than the friendly person mentioned.

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Personally it feels horrible enough that I'm not only halfway mobbed whenever I sign up to show up at the workplace by the crew of not just people but those from foreign origins due to the nature of my part time job. ...On top of that it's as if I'm not only being reminded of how much of a 'less attractive being' I look on the appearance part (the new realization of the actual need to not only look according to your gender but to groom yourself professionally is nothing but diff. form of torture for someone who've never been informed of such method in the first place), but that feeling of as if I'm forever bound to regret my juvenile wrongdoings of (unfortunately) sexual nature that somehow did not happen to engage any physical intercourse (!) whatsoever is yet another disparaging fact that would work as if I had a stone above my head that weighed more than it could handle till this day.

... All in all, I guess such a "shameful" (after all) past reputation of mine could be yet another good example of where not to go at all for current youths, wry to mention & opening up about it yet again so.

...Now that being a lot of stuff in b/w whatnot, by voluntarily engaging myself in such a timer-ordained activity by giving myself an assignment to write for that exact amount of time for my mental health's sake - I wish to have gleaned something from it. ..Either consciously or unconsciously, ..or whether someone reads this and my writings do have some form of impact on the readers or not.

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